My Immortal Commentary
by 2lazy2thinkofaname
Summary: Read on as I comment on a world ruled by the Queen of all Sues, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way (no relation to Gerard Way, but she has said she's wished she was due to the fact that he's a 'major f*cking hottie'.)! Rated for abuse of the English language (among others) and sort of lemons(?). Many brain cells were harmed in the making of this fanfic. Please read responsibly.
1. Chapter 1

**IMPORTANT: Alright, here's the deal: last year I started a My Immortal commentary and it was admittedly my greatest fanfic to date. Wow that's depressing... But anyway, a couple months ago, Fanfiction deleted that story along with a bunch of my other ones! And so I was very depressed and lost my muse. I deeply apologize to my fans who have been expecting me to update other stories, but I don't think I'm going to get to them for a while. I'll PROBABLY update My Big Broken Family soon, though. But the other ones... It'll take a while. Sorry. If anyone wants to adopt them just PM me and I'll tell you if it's taken or not. That goes for the stories that were deleted as well, for those of you who were going to read my HOTD story.**

**But yeah, for a while I'm going to work on this one and I won't stop until it's finished! Hopefully my muse will return after this (My muse being the awesome reviews you guys give, I'm serious I just love making you all laugh and it's great to know that I have!). Anyway, I don't care that deleted this story last time. I'm not gonna quit until I finish, and my goal is to update at least once a day! So I'm looking forward to what my old and new reviewers think!**

**Finally, after several months, I give you...**

MY IMMORTAL

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**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, and if I owned the original train wreck I'd be in therapy.**

Chapter 1. **((If you value your sanity leave now... And go get someone you hate and force THEM to read it instead!))**

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **((erm... no. just no))** 2 my gf (ew not in that way) **((you were the one who implied it))** raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling** ((let me get this straight... this is the version AFTER it was edited?! fucking hell... I pity your English teachers))**. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2 **((I bet))**! MCR ROX! **((Because adding that in there was so necessary))**

Hi **((yo...))** my name is Ebony Dark'ness **((random apostrophe is random))** Dementia **((you're named after a psychological disease? How… appropriate)) **Raven **((that's not cliché at all now, is it?))** Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **((originality at its finest))** with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **((what the fuck is a 'limpid tear'?))** and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). **((poor Amy Lee...))** I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie **((because incest is, like, SO in))**. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. **((… what))** I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, **((-slams head against desk-))** and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **((how the fuck did you even get accepted into ANY school let alone Hogwarts when your grasp of the English language is worse than my two-year-old cousin's?))** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen) **((holy shit it can use simple Math!))**. I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) **((really? I had no idea...))** and I wear mostly black **((shocker, there))**. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there **((go figure))**. For example **((oh, God, no...))** today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots **((...why do you exist?!))** I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, **((because white foundation is so necessary for pale people! I'm so glad I found someone who understands!))** black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining**((it's called 'sleet', dear)) **so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **((Aren't we just a little ray of sunshine?))**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. **((OOOOOOH! THE SUSPENSE!))** Draco Malfoy! **((Dun, dun... DUN!))**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.** ((That's pretty nonchalant for someone who was building up all that suspense...))**

"Nothing." he said shyly. **((What the shit?! DRACO IS NOT SHY!))**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **((That was so anticlimactic...))**

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **((...-eye twitches uncontrollably-))**

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**Well, now that THAT'S over, please review! I can only get better if you tell me how I can improve, after all! Ja ne! Hehehe... now I must go back to watching Kuroko no Basuke... XD -drools- they are all... so attractive! -fangirls-**


	2. Chapter 2

**So, how are you guys liking this? So far I'm (surprisingly) enjoying this. I guess I missed mocking her more than I thought... Hah!**

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **((Wait... This is AFTER editing?! Dear crumb...))**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **((As opposed to where? the washing machine?))** It was snowing and raining again. **((sleet. it is called SLEET.))** I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had **((because just eating a normal breakfast is so horrible))**. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends **((because that's so 'goffik'))**. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on **((Ebony Thingamajig Way- giving teachers heart attacks one piece of slutty clothing... er, rags, at a time))**. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun **((kind of? Was it messy or not?))**. My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) **((oh, God, not ANOTHER self-insert!))** woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **((So, wait, she smiled at you, and THEN opened her eyes? creepy...)) **She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner) **((I should totally follow your example. Then I'll finally fulfill my life's ambition of looking like a ghost!))**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **((That's how I start my morning, kiddies. Don't go for the ever-clichéd 'good morning' or any greeting, really! Just skip to the juicy gossip! Because politeness is SO overdone!))**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **((How the crumb did all that white foundation NOT block out the blush?!))**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **((Aren't we just the picture of nonchalance?))**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. **((Is it just me or do they talk just like the 'preps' they claim to hate?))**

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **((You sure you don't like him? And here I was so convinced...))**

"Guess what." he said. **((OMG I WONDER WHAT HE'S GOING TO ASK OMGOMGOMG!))**

"What?" I asked. **((such stimulating conversation. Really, Tara, I've had more stimulating conversations with my CARROTS.))**

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **((Mm-hmm. I bet. What year is this again? 'Cause I'm pretty sure GC didn't exist back in Ye Olden Times.))**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **((Shoot me.))**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked. **((Muggle band. Future Death Eater. Need I say more?))**

I gasped. **((best. ending. line. ever!))**

**I hope you enjoyed! Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Run! HIDE! It has returned!**

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **((Who was brain-dead enough to compliment you?))** FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **((Relieving fans of GC, everywhere.))**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. **((I'm seeing a trend...))** I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **((I feel depressed reading THIS, and you don't see me slitting MY wrists, do you?))** I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC **((Emergency Rooms exist for a reason))**. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway **((this just occurred to you?)) **I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **((Ron's flying car, you mean! There can be only one.)) **He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **((suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure…))**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **((why is there an exclamation mark there then?))**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. **((Brilliant conversationalists. I'm jealous.))**

We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) **((was I the only one who got a hilarious image of them walking into the door and falling on their butts?)) **and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **((because there's really no better way to get excited** **for a concert.))** When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte. "You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **((Shocker, that))**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. Suddenly Draco looked sad. **((...-facepalm-))**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **((Because it was that hard to figure out...))** "Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **((Run, boy, RUN!))**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **((You've killed him...))**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel **((I'd feel sorry for Joel if you did know him))** and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **((-roles eyes- maturity at its finest)) **The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees.** ((Can anyone else NOT imagine this all happening in Hogsmeade?)) **Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, **((At least you actually got IN the car this time)) **but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **((Dun, dun... DUN!))**

**I hope you've enjoyed the latest installment of 'How to Write the Crummiest Story in the World!' Please review!**


	4. Chapters 4-8

**AN: HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT! In honor of the facts that a) I've been a lazy ass and haven't updated in 3 months, b) the coming Apocalypse, and c) I've just recently addicted my friend Adna (SHOUT OUT I LOVE YOU BUDDY!) and her friend (I'm sorry I forgot your name BUT YOU GET A SHOUT OUT TOO!) to this story, I've decided to post... 5 CHAPTERS OF MY IMMORTAL COMMENTARY AT ONCE!**

**X) I know. You love me.**

**And so, here, I give you, the long awaited return of...**

**MY IMMORTAL: THE COMMENTARY**

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!** ((ok, ok, we get it, you changed her name to Enoby Nut Mary Sue. Pardon my rudeness but isn't that a bit weird even by your demented (pun intended) standards?))** DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok! **((Jesus, Mary, and Joseph from which circle of hell did this demon spawn?!))**

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **((Oh just singing Kumbaya, he's driving you moron what did you THINK he was doing?))**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.** ((…how do I even respond?))**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked. **((It's Enoby, Draco. Keep up.))**

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) **((eye spasms)) **which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **(("depressing sorrow and evilness"… ok, can we just take a moment to see if that is even grammatically correct?))**

And then suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.** ((wait, wait, wait, suddenly just as you WHAT?))** Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.** ((keenly? Really, Enoby, REALLY?))** He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra.** (Even. Well aren't we just a little badass mofo?))** Then he put his thingie into my you-know-whatand we did it for the first time.** ((excuse me while I laugh hysterically, this may take a while –twenty minute break- ok, I think I'm good now…))**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"** ((Nope, I was wrong –thirty minute break- Ok… ok, I'm probably good now))**

It was….Dumbledore! **((wrong again… and since fucking when does Dumbledore curse?!))**

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **((k))** Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! **((right… just so you know Enoby, half my family gets migraines almost once a month, sometimes more. As in the ones where they are literally crying (and in my brother's case, screaming) in pain. And not once do they swear. So STFU and sit down cause you have NO idea what you are talking about.))** PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!** ((So the story is ending now?!))**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face** ((I'm sorry, what?)) **Draco comforted me.** (well, I should hope so, or else he'd be a pretty shitty boyfriend))** When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.** ((it's from all the sexual tension, can't you tell?))**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.** ((why is he telling them? He's the headmaster, it's not like they could do anything without his permission in the first place))**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?"** ((oooohh, wittwe bitty Enoby used a big wowd awwwww isn't dat just pwecious?))** asked Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **((Lord give me strength…))**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."** ((haha, wait I'm sorry can you please repeat that again because WHAT?))**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.** ((…still waiting for that strength, Lord, come on))**

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **((you're going to bed, not the fricken' opera))** When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. **((Okay, so you'll have sex in the woods, but are suddenly a stickler for the rules now?))**

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

The next day I woke up in my coffin. **((because normal beds are so mainstream))** I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. **((I think we've reached a point where we can easily just skip this entire paragraph))** I spray-painted my hair with purple. **((Does that change your name for the day?))**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal **((…wait… what… how… what… never mind…)) **with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top. **((let's all stand and applaud the person who just ruined her day…))**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it.** ((never mind, every one sit back down, false alarm...)) **He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. **((-gags-)) **He didn't have glasses anymore **((anymore? You just met him!)) **and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. **((…he hasn't even started talking yet)) **He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko **((you're the one who wrote it, creep))**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **((I don't know why but I just got the strangest urge to claw out my eyes… Funny how that happens whenever you butcher a character))**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled **((you're all insane. Is it just me or is Hogwarts turning into a lunatic asylum?))**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed **((like an idiot))**

"Really?" he whimpered. **((so, first he giggles, and then he whimpers? There is something wrong with this child…)**

"Yeah." I roared. **((…did you just spontaneously turn into a lion? Is that your Animagus form? Oh no wait, silly me, you can turn into anything you want, can't you?))**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **((ANTICLIMACTICITY FOR THE WIN!))**

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws **((lies and blasphemy))** n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons **((ok, no one, under ANY circumstances, give her tin god vons. Whatever the heck those are…))** STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U **(YA DUN GOOFED! …I'm sorry, I had to…))**! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! **((what's a satanits?))** n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! **((OMG I'M LEIK SOOOOOOOOOO SORRY OMFG LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Really now, it's like you don't even TRY))**

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. **((Huh. That's weird, I just got that ever-random urge to claw out my eyes again.)) **I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish **((Satanist sings? Um… what?))** (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u? **((Satan singing? I don't know. I've never heard him sing.))**). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. **((redundancy ftw)) **I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco **((here is where I'd put a shit… ( ) …IF I GAVE ONE)) **Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then… **((here we go again with the '…' s…))**

We started frenching passively **((you started making out peacefully? Is that even possible?)) **and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. **((that's quite a leap to make from passiveness)) **He felt me up before I took of my top. **((This is lame…)) **Then I took off my black leather bra **((isn't that uncomfortable?)) **and he took off his pants. **((shoot me please))** We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. **((I am seriously getting a migraine)) **(c is dat stupid?)** ((like no other))**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! **((first off, how did you miss that the first time you shagged him, second off why does that even matter?))**

I was so angry. **((…why?))**

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. **((I know I sure as hell don't…) **But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **((…can someone PLEASE tell me what's going on?!))**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. **((don't even TRY Enoby, if you didn't care you wouldn't have noticed. And really? 'You-know-what'? can I just take a moment to laugh my ass off at your blatant immaturity?))** I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people. **((FOR GOD'S SAKE WHAT IS GOING ON?!))**

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.** ((wait, what- …OH NOW I GET IT! By the way, Snape's gonna murder you for just walking into his class and screaming that now))**

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing **((wtf is flassing?))** ok! if u do de prep!

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. **((oh Jesus… can we just take a second to look back at all the things that would've gotten both of them expelled? These teachers must be really fucking tolerant…))**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly. **((is anyone else laughing at the prospect of 'screaming sadly'?))**

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly **(('understatedly'? and who the fuck is B'loody Mary Smith? AND ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMN RANDOM APOSTRAPHES ALREADY!)) **. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair** ((oh Jesus…))** and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on **((oh look, another person who smiles, THEN opens their eyes. You're all creepy as fuck))**. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on **((and now I'm just done…))**. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. **((are you looking for a fight?))** Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch** ((oh fuck all…))** but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. **((can someone please just kill me? Oh wait… tomorrow's the Apocalypse! Maybe I'll get lucky…))** She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor.)** ((damn you to the deepest pits of hell.))**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" **((why is he talking like he's from Ye Olden Ages? He's not that old, damn it!))** Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice **((wait… holy shit that actually makes sense!)) **but I ignored him. **((You… ignored… Snape? …and NOW you're going to die.))**

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.** ((actually, Draco cheated on you with HARRY, you weren't dating HARRY so you wouldn't say that HARRY cheated on you with Draco… Unless of course you were secretly dating HARRY and were cheating on Draco while he was cheating on you, which means that HARRY was cheating on BOTH of you… HARRY is such a BOSS!))**

Everyone gasped. **((oh, geez people it's not that damn important! I'd be more shocked that a naked guy just ran into your classroom!))**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me.** ((you know, if you change POVs, you have to TELL us right? I know, so much unnecessary effort, but still))** I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony)for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. **((oh sweet Jesus shoot me already and be done with it!))** We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) **((Kill me. Just… please))**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.** ((HARRY, damnit!))**

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility** ((you know virility means manliness, right?))** to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.

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**AN: sooo… have you noticed that no other characters are mentioned other than the main/main supporting characters? Like really, and it's the same throughout the entire thing, I'm pretty sure Enoby mentions Cedric once but really that's it! It's insane…**


	5. Chapter 9-11

Chapters 9-11, bitches. I feel like shit. There you go.

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Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! **((god damn it…)) **and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!** ((…words cannot currently express what I feel))**

I was so mad and sad.** ((baby's first rhyme!))** I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man** ((I think you mean "_A_ horrible man"))** with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick!** ((Voldemort doesn't need a broomstick to fly, you little shit, and you DO realize that he has Death Eaters to do this shit FOR him?))** He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort!** ((Voldemort has no nose like Voldemort from the movie. Thank you for telling me this fascinating tidbit of information, I'm sure I couldn't have gone one without it))**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.** ((I think you mean 'Imperio,' and it doesn't do that, fucktard))**

"Crookshanks!"** ((That is not the Curse you're looking for. But oh wait! My mistake! You are the powerful Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Whatever-The-Fuck-Else-You'll-Put-Here-Later Way, and throwing HERMIONE'S _CAT_ around is the equivalent of a fucking atomic BOMB for you. My deepest and most sincere apologies for not thinking.))** I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.** ((I think the specimen has achieved a new level of idiocy, class! Take note!))**

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"** ((fuck you.))**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes** ((I will end you))** and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden** ((the fuck is he? Wait… ok, first of, that guy looks NOTHING like HARRY. Second, he's not even that fucking attractive!))**. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?** ((If Sherlock Holmes met you, I'm sure he'd applaud your brilliant deductions skills. Please note that I'm being sarcastic and that if Sherlock Holmes met you, he'd think that you make the rest of the world look like fucking GENIUSES. And if you've watched BBC's Sherlock, you'll know what kind of a feat that is. Also, he would kill you without a second thought.))**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged.** ((have you ever heard of a wand?))**

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"** ((how 'bout I kill you?))**

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.** ((…))**

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face** ((huh, weird, that's the same look on my face right now))**. "I hath telekinesis." **((he 'hath' the ability to move objects with his mind? Whoop-dee-fucking-do for him but how the hell does that let him know that you and Draco are fucking?))**he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.** ((fuck you… just… fuck you))**

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"** ((you seem awfully chipper for a girl who's just had her boyfriend's life threatened))**

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.** ((no, I don't fucking get it, no one does, and I'm going to slap you))**

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. ((I don't think that's used right…))

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.** ((you were walking while making out? Impressive. Must learn how to do that))**

Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!** ((they aren't allowed to switch Houses fuckass))**

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day.** ((is Vlodemort Lord Voldemort's less-known younger brother?))** I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.** ((the badassery… I can't even…))** I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR** ((I'm sure they do))**. The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.** ((I will end you))**) and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) or a steak)**((I like steak… I can't eat any right now because of Lent… ugh… I want steak…))** and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.** ((the hell you're not a slut))**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.** ((..._why_?))**

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

**((con·cert·ed **

**/kənˈsərtəd/**

**Adjective  
Jointly arranged, planned, or carried out; coordinated.  
Strenuously carried out; done with great effort.**

**Synonyms  
joint))**

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort **((I thought it was Vlodemort?)) **came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears.  
Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.** ((I sense shitty scenes coming up))**

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?)** ((yes, actually, it is; and hey, look, I was right!))**

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.** ((well, yeah, I would think so. It would be kinda awkward if they were both just standing there bawling their eyes out))**

We practiced for one more hour. **((you didn't think to go check on your currently emotionally unstable boyfriend?)) **Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.** ((it's because he finally decided to kick you out!))**

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. **((wah! Mathematics! E=MC^2!)) **(c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."** ((I thought 'vampires' could only die with a steak (yum) through the heart or a cross…))**

Chapter 11.

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!** ((I would take you more seriously (more like seriously in general) if at least your Author's Note made sense))**

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied!** ((that's not a word))** B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.** ((that doesn't seem to stop you))**

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume.** ((so goffick))** I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed!** ((…))** I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. **((why would you wear a sandy dress?)) **I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings.** ((you… just… no, just no))** I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating

**((Masticating (present participle of mas·ti·cate)**

**Verb**

**Chew (food).))**

to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.** ((no shit))**

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! **((I thought you were wearing the sandy dress?)) **ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason **((ew. Sorry to his fans, but the man is fu-gl-y!)) **on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb** ((I don't know whether to laugh at the fact that HARRY has a womb or praise Jesus that you meant 'Wand' and actually used the weapon that wizards actually use))**. I took my gun **((I'm going to cry now)) **and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.** ((it's about time we had an intervention))**

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!"** ((actually, he's a professor))**

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"** ((nope, nope, nope, nope, nope…))**

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him** ((that doesn't even make any sense and how is he not dead?!))**. "There must be other factors."** ((are you dumb?))**

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.** ((this story doesn't have any))**

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly.** ((the fuck?))** "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"** ((how does that even happen? And you know how she could fix that? With… A _WAND_!))**

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.** ((ew. just... ew))**

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.** ((no. Fucking NO.))**

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

"Because I LOVE HER!"** ((nope, nope, nope, nope, nope))**


End file.
